Dear Universe

Posted on Jan 18, 2015
Come on, give me a bone!

Come on, give me a bone!

Dear Universe,

I’m learning something big.  And by the by, universe, I would have appreciated learning this a little bit earlier, if you really want to know. Crap; you’re the universe, so you already know what there is to know. Whatever!

 

Hello?

 

Are you out there?

 

Universe?

 

I can’t keep second guessing you, universe. You are way too hard to read. The way you respond, it’s not clarity personified… intentional, probably,  since you’re not personified.

 

Universe?

 

Are you there universe? It’s me, Susannah.

 

I only have Judy Blume to blame.  She put the idea into my child mind that I actually had a say with the universe in the first place.  Damn you Judy Blume.

 

Only Blume to blame.

 

Once again, I’m sidetracked.

Universe, how does one separate the wheat from the chaff?

I could use a little more bold print in the guidance department. A little more bass, less treble. Some italics possibly?

 

You are like a friend who never calls back; a friend who calls back sporadically, at best.

 

The thing is,  I’m trying to  learn WHO I AM, and I could use a little feedback.

Let me tell you, it’s more than a little inconvenient to learn WHO I AM at this stage of the game.

I mean, I am 50. I have some things in place.

I have a husband.

I have two daughters.

I have two dogs and three chickens.

Three fucking chickens!

What the fuck?

I WAS NEVER a person who wanted chickens. Who started this chicken thing anyway?

They are adorable, but one of our chickens is a runner.  I wanted the chickens who go out for a stroll, then go back in to roost.  By themselves.

But, no, universe (insert Steve Martin “NO” here) you give me a runner.  I’ve got to shake chicken scratch and yell “chiiiiiick, chiiiiick!”  That is SO uncool.

 

Are you listening universe?

 

Universe? Maybe you are just not that into me.

 

You know GREEN ACRES?

 

Ah, New York is where I’d rather stay. I get allergic smelling hay. I just adore a penthouse view.  Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue.

 

That’s ME.

 

Now I’m letting chickens out of a coop, and then I’m corralling them at night?  What? How did that happen?

 

I’ve got to shake things up a little.  I’ve got to fly my muffin top. Sorry kids. I just don’t know what it’s gonna look like, so, universe, could you put on your big girl pants and cut to the chase for my life?  Could you tell me what to do in NO uncertain terms? Seriously, it’s not that hard for you. NEED I REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE THE UNIVERSE?  You invented photosynthesis for god’s sake.  (Was it for god’s sake?)  What is your relationship with spirit anyway?  Just curious, but you already know that.  By the by, photosynthesis is AMAZING.

 

You KNOW what you’re capable of. Just put it out there and I’ll try it on. I feel like smashing some guitars, and I’m also a volunteer at the high school…universe?

 

Hello?

Can you make some sense out of all of this for me, then pass it on?

Thank you in advance,

Susannah

 

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